just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
