with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
