After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
