Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
