I think I died a long time ago.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
