Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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