Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
