What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
