i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
