As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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