A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
