According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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