yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize