Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
