last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
