You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
