well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
