Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
