hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
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