Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
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