Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
that's an acceptable place to lick
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
