thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
