hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
