Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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