STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize