Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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