I think I died a long time ago.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
