great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
