Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
