I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize