I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
