Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
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I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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