Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just want to make out with him forever
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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