Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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