Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
