Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
