Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
These tits shall not be calmed
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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