The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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