His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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