surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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