Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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