I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
