I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
