hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
