You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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