My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
