R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
