the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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