These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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