Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
