the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
