I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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