I accidentally burped into my bong.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
