OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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