It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i came on her dog
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
