Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
