Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
