Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
