i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
