I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
